Gary Lising

We all knew him as a good comedian, but hey he also wrote some hilarious books. Currently I'm reading one of his so called masterpiece, "How Green is your mind?" and it really made me look stupid, ikaw na tumawa mag-isa sa jeep o kaya sa bus hehe..

Eto, nahanap ko lang sa web, sobrang natawa ko :-)

My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said that I have a very nice name -- for a disease.

I was voted as the sex symbol of Assumption College because according to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a sex organ.

I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds when I was born -- but weighed only 3 pounds after I was circumcised. I was the only abortion that lived.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my pictures in our family album.

I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby -- I was breastfed by my father.

I grew up to be a boy wonder -- everybody always looked at me and wondered.

I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B.S. Economics. That explains why up to now I still am poor as ever.

I went to the United States where I put up my own business that went bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods.

I lived in the penthouse of a 50 story building. My rent was only 200 dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was walkup -- no elevator.

I was drafted by the U.S. Army but I got exempted because of my religion -- I am a devout coward.

I came back to the Philippines because I miss the brownouts. We should be proud of this fact because in the U.S. they don't have brownouts. We are the only country that has it.

Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC" with Gringo Honasan's "YOU" -- it would be known as "PACC YOU".

My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bisexual -- every time he sees sex he buys it.

My mother Nieva Lising is a very religious woman -- she is a nun.

My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.

I am married to Maris Paredes who up to now believes that love is really blind. I also have a son, Bugsy, he's only five years old and he already knows how to be ashamed of me.

I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in:

I BELIEVE...that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking -- give up reading.

I BELIEVE...that you should never make love with your eyes unless you are cockeyed.

I BELIEVE...Dick Gordon when he said that women should be put up in a pedestal -- high enough so you could look up their dresses.

I BELIEVE...Baby Boy Poblador when he said that women are the foundation of our society. I also believe him when he said that men are the ones who laid the foundation.

I BELIEVE...Lolit Solis when she said that Mayor Lim was her former boyfriend.

I BELIEVE...Mari Mar when she cried -- I saw tears running down her legs.

I BELIEVE...that Fr. Donelan will outlive us all.

I BELIEVE...IN GOD, THE FATHER ALMIGHTY, AND THAT EVENTUALLY WE WILL HAVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH IN HIM.

GARY LISING, S.J.*


Here are some cool jokes from his book na binabasa ko ngayon.

--
Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch..
--
What 3 words mean small?
"Is it in?"
--
Holdaper: Walang kikilos ng masama! HOld up ito! Lahat ng lalaki ilagay ang pera sa bag! Lahat ng babae re-rape-in ko!
Dalaga: Huwag nyo na po isali ang lola ko. Ako na lang po ang rape-in nyo.
Lola: Hindi mo ba sya narinig? Lahat daw ng babae!
--
Love is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffe-ring.
--
Tito got an out of the country job after accepting an offer from a consulting firm and asked his friend Roman to check up on his wife to see that she didn't fool around with anybody. Six months later he returned and found his spouse and Roman in bed, doing the very thing he had tried to prevent. Tito called his wife every name in the book and then threatened to leave her. "And for you, dirty bastard," he yelled at his bestfriend, "can't you at least stop while I'm talking to you?"
--

That's all, happy weekend :-)